My tendency is ‘to stuff’. That’s ocultar in Spanish (in case you wondered;). To hide, conceal, cover, mask, or hide away. Or, maybe it’s enterrar. To bury, inter, grave, entomb, or ploughing under. Regardless, I’m prone to tamping down discomfort in favor of hollower safety. But, if I’m soul naked & honest, I’d just call it the name we know best: DENIAL. Plain and simple. 

An ugly truth. 

My bent for ignoring, pushing away, stuffing the uncomfortable, unresolvable, unattainable, or uncontrollable exiles me to a land . Defensively, yet passively, avoiding possibilities of pain. Eliminating the sting of loss, hurt, rejection.

But when I extinguish variables of uncertainty, I also bury the unique treasure planted inside me. The beauty of living – fully alive with fruit – is not whether a temporary feeling, a vision, a dream is brought to fruition. The glory is in it’s purity of form in likeness to the Creator. It’s kernel of Truth. The lesson which spurs me on to grow. The placement of the next stepping stone on my path to sanctification. The real beauty is in the fullness of desire and intent and willingness to submit to an idea, a formulation, a manifestation of the Spirit yet fully glimpsed… only sensed. 

My fear is the disappointment. The loss of envisioning all the possibilities. Whether the thing desired is an idea, an event, a person, or a place… finding that space where His spirit and my soul (mind, will, emotion) collides is the embodiment of ‘loving life’, I think. 

O but the irony of love! To fully hold something you must use a light grip. An open palm. To make something yours you must let it go. Allowing freedom to ebb and flow. Holding on tightly crushes the very Spirit of Love. But, what if… it doesn’t come back?

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.I Corinthians 13:4-7 NKJV

In my head, I know this is what He allows us to do. Every day, every moment. For some, an entire lifetime. To live in separation from Him as we blindly fumble and grope around in the dark on our own. 

Instead, He’d prefer us to walk in His perfect light. We are set free -in His open palm- precisely because He loves us. Because His Spirit of Love is perfect. Because He knows and sees the infinite beauty and value of each and every heart and every life.

When my human heart longs for deep connection, I now wonder whether I am ignoring something basic about my fullness in Him. Do I omit a piece of me -my wholeness- to insecure need? Or is this simply a desire for meaningful, true relationship -a creation of the Lord who wired me- that I am feeling? 

Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me hear joy and gladness, That the bones You have broken may rejoice. Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You. Psalms 51:6-13 NKJV

That’s part of King David’s prayer after he slept with his best friend’s wife. A brief catalogue of his desire to live and embrace (body, soul, spirit) upstanding, right, Godly motives. And the dismay at falling so short.

Why is that motive so hard to attain? Naively, I ponder the reason our Almighty would make that pursuit so… so daily. SO moment by moment. So intertwined with fleshly and worldly and temporal wants, needs, urges for fulfillment, security, and enjoyment.

Philosophically, I understand that submitting to His pure and perfect will for my life brings me greater fulfillment than I can even imagine. Holding every aspect, every experience, every event I encounter like an open palm of sand. 

Ugh, the uncertainty! The discomfort. The uncontrollable nature of this. Woe is me. Jumping out of an airplane not feeling a parachute. Knowing, but not seeing, anything beneath you. Sensing, but unconfirmed, the landing zone in palm of His hand. 

How to Love but not selfishly want. How to want but possibly not get. How to replace personal desire with His desires. How to not grip my handful of sand – causing it all to slip through a clenched fist. 

Instead, how to enjoy the weight of His yoke, a lightened burden, a richness of Spirit, and the freedom to ebb and flow. All while not getting attached to my human, personal, fleshy, selfish, childish and grownup, stubborn, nurtured self.

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.I Corinthians 10:23-24 NKJV

A Sunday morning, joy of Christ-mas pondering…